with you through the night.

Posted by Hope Rising on March 10, 2019
Posted in: Mental Health. Tagged: , , , , , , , . Leave a comment

 

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And I’ll be with you through
The dark so that you do not,
Go through the dark alone.
~Biloxi Parish- The Gaslight Anthem

Depression, for me, has been like a darkness where all hope seems lost, and I can’t find my way left or right of it. In the beginning it was so difficult, because I didn’t let anyone in, and I carried the burden alone. I didn’t want to inconvenience anyone. But, I know now that I was just doing more damage to myself. When I finally allowed people in, it wasn’t a magical cure. The darkness didn’t just float away and all was right with the world immediately. It took time, it was a long journey, and in many ways it is a journey I am still on.

But those people I let in, the became my guides. They took my hand and led me to the resources that I needed. They led me to safe places where I could share my truth. And each time I wanted to give up, they held my hand tighter to remind me that I was never alone. And on the really hard days, they carried me step by step until I found the strength to try again.

And as we continued, to move forward..together.. The light began seeping in.

And that is why the Overnight Walk for Suicide Prevention is so important to me.

Each year as I take this symbolic journey of 16 miles through the night,

I am reminded how my community rallied together to get me out of the darkness and into the light.

As I walk alongside others, I know that each person is at a different point of their journey, I want to do for others what other so selflessly did for me.

***
This year’s walks will take place in San Francisco and Boston.
Due to physical restraints and work responsibilities I am not able to walk this year.
However, I am looking forward to either volunteering or taking on a crew responsibility In Boston to support my team.

I believe wholeheartedly in the work of the American Foundation of Suicide Prevention and the impact of the Overnight Walks.

Since i am not walking myself, I have not yet set up my fundraising page, however many of my fellow team members are on their way to reaching their pledged minimum amount of $1000.

Please support some members of my team as we work to #stopsuicide.
Boston Soul-O’s 

Cari C.

Libbi A.

Amy P.

Michelle S.

Amy S.

Tiffani E.

Fan the Flames.

Posted by Hope Rising on April 22, 2018
Posted in: Mental Health, The Overnight. Tagged: , , , , , , , . Leave a comment

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Each year as I prepare to do the Out of the Darkness Overnight Walk, I am blown away by the outpouring of support I receive. This year is the first time I am not walking as a Student (yay for finally graduating ) which meant that my fundraising minimum was $1000. To be honest I was so nervous about meeting my goal. I had even considered not walking, and only volunteering this year. But then the Walk cities were announced: Philadelphia and Dallas. Texas has become one of my favorite places to visit in recent year. Much of that is because of my personal experience 3 years ago in Dallas at the Overnight. I just knew I had to go back this year. I am celebrating 3 years of recovery, and have made so many strides in my personal and professional life. I wanted to celebrate that in the city where it all began.

We are only 37 days away from the Walk, and I have already met my goal and the donations are still pouring in. I don’t even know if I can put into words how grateful I am for all the support. I feel so blessed and grateful. I am so thankful for all the people who have joined me in financially supporting the efforts of the American Foundation of Suicide Prevention in working to address Mental Health and Suicide.

Seven years ago, when I signed up for my first  I was nervous about the fundraising. I knew that most people would be curious as to why I was interested in an event like this. And honestly, I was worried about sharing my story and being vulnerable. Shame and Stigma had told me for so many years that it was best to be silent about the things I struggled with. Outside of a few people in my inner circle, I had never spoken about my own experiences with depression, self harm and suicide attempts.

Over the years, through these amazing events I have found my voice. And even if it shakes, I find the courage to share my story. Because I truly believe that it can help open the door for others to get the help they need. I have been abundantly blessed to have so many caring people in my tribe who are always looking out for me. I believe my purpose in life is to be able to pay that forward.

As the years have gone by, I have been connected with so many individuals who share similar stories with me. I am thankful that others have found me to be someone they can turn to in a dark time. And I have been able to have open and honest conversations with my friends about living with mental health conditions. Seven years ago, I never envisioned that would be the case. As I strive to break down the stigma in my own life, I can see that trickling down into the lives of those around me. I believe that togeteher as we continue to be open and honest we can truly change the world and its perception of mental health conditions.

So, to each and every person who I have shared my story with, and has still welcomed me with open arms, I thank you. For the friends who are there in the latest hours of the night, in the darkest times of my life, I thank you. For those who constantly reach out to me, to tell me how proud they are of me, and how they believe in me, I thank you. For everyone who has supported me in this journey, I thank you.

Because it is so much more than just this journey of 18 miles. This is my life story. This is my passion. And every single person who sows into me, is fanning the flame within me. With my amazing support system behind me… I know I can do this. I know I can walk through the night, even if I have to fight my body to do so. I know that I can stand up and continue to be brave with my story. I know that I can continue to push forward and reach for my dreams. I know that I can continue to celebrate important milestones of recovery, and they are as important to me as they are to those who love me.

So thank you for being a part of this journey.
Not only for the Overnight.

The Journey of life.

I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for all of you.

The Overnight Walk 2018: Dallas

Posted by Hope Rising on March 19, 2018
Posted in: Mental Health. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , . Leave a comment

For the last 7 years I have signed up for the Overnight Walk for Suicide Prevention, to push my body through 16-18 miles through the night from sunset to sunrise. In the rain, in the cold, in the Texas Heat, the sultry summers Of New York. I have traveled from coast to coast for these events. And each time i cross that finish line, it is another victory. A personal one, and for Mental Health Awareness in general.

Over the last 7 years, I have participated in this journey through the night as as symbol of my own journey out of the darkness. Each year is another chance to celebrate the milestones in my personal life. Through this event I found a purpose, and it fueled my passion to help others. Through the American Foundation of Suicide Prevention, I was able to gain education and training which have helped me in my professional role as a Mental Health Counselor.

This year I will return to Dallas, Texas for the Overnight Walk. My trip to Dallas 3 years ago was a catalyst in my own recovery in so many ways, and it also connected me with an amazing community of people.

As I prepare to return to Texas for this year’s walk, I feel quite emotional.
I reflect on all the strides I have made in the last 3 years and I feel blessed.
Three years ago, I was picking up the pieces of my life and I would have never imagined that it could look the way it does today.

And it is through the Overnight that I hope to continue to share my story. To inspire others, to help those who are struggling find the help they need. To reach out and let others they are not alone, the same way so many people have done for me through these events in the past. To show that you can still thrive while living with a mental health condition. And to continue to celebrate this second chance at life that I have been given.

If you would like to support me in this journey through the night, as a fight to break down silence and stigma and raise awareness for Mental Health please click the link to donate:

2018 Overnight Walk Dallas: Fundraising Page

 

 

When the holidays hurt.

Posted by Hope Rising on December 24, 2017
Posted in: Mental Health. Tagged: , , , , , . Leave a comment

 

 

holiday-2-810x540From the beginning of November until the clock strikes midnight on New Years Eve, we are inundated with messages of what the Holidays are “supposed to” look like. Smiling happy faces, families gathered round the table sharing meals and making memories. Unfortunately for many people, their holiday season will look nothing like this. In reality this is the toughest time of the year for many people, and many people are struggling.

There are many who are sharing holiday dinners with an empty seat at the table.
There are many who try to put on a brave face, but there is disappointment lingering beneath surface. Disappointment that they don’t have the kind of relationship with their family they wish for.
There are many who cannot be “home for the holidays” for a variety of reasons, and there is an ache in their chest.
There are many who will spend the holidays be the bedside of sick and ailing loved ones.
There are many who wish they could recapture the “magic” of the holidays they experienced when they were a child, before heartache and pain was a language they knew all too well.

And many others will face the reality that mental health conditions do not subside during these holiday seasons, in fact many may note and increase in symptoms due to various stresses both  internal and external.

Many will struggle in silence, because they do not want to be a burden to their families and friends during a “special” time. Some may want to participate in the family functions but will find it difficult to do so. Some may struggle to get out of bed, others may struggle to “be present” when with family. For those with anxiety, important functions may place too great a burden on them, and they prefer much quieter, intimate affairs.

If you are in a good and happy place this holiday season, I am glad. But please be gentle with the others around you, and understand that they might be feeling something very different during this time. Check in on your loved ones,  be present for them. Do not put expectations or pressure for them to act or feel a certain way. Meet them where they are. Give them space, but let them know they are not alone.

 

And if the holidays ARE hard for you, stay strong. Take care of yourself. Do the things that feed your spirit. Read a book. Cuddle up with a book.  Separate yourself from the people that overwhelm you. Understand that it is OK to say  “NO” to people and events that feel draining. Utilize your positive support network. Be honest when others reach out. You do not HAVE to feel a certain way.

 

and if the Holidays are really rough, and you are feeling vunerable and alone, know that there is a network of people out there who understand and want to help you get through this.

 

  • Crisis Text Line: You can text TWLOHA to 741741 to be connected with a trained counselor for free (even consider adding them as a contact in your phone).
  • National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK [8255]
  • Google  local crisis numbers for your area, which often times have mobile response teams that will come help you out .
  • 911. This one might seem obvious to some, and too intimidating of an option to others. If you do feel intimidated by it, please know that it’s what 911 is there for—it exists to help individuals who are in danger. It exists to protect people, and you are worth protection.

 

 

This article written in Huff Post in 2015 is something I still return to yearly, because the holidays have always been a difficult time for me.

What to do when the holidays hurt

To those who are hurting, I send you light and love, and I pray that hope will rise in your soul. That you continue to find the grace and strength that has brought you this far. These days may be difficult, but they will not last forever. We will continue to move forward, and we will find the beauty in life in our own ways, on our own time.

We Made It. (repost) #NSPW17

Posted by Hope Rising on September 16, 2017
Posted in: Mental Health. Tagged: , , , , , , . Leave a comment

To those whose stories look mine,

We are alive. We made it. When your world crumbles at your feet, and your lungs are weighed down with the pressure of a million disappointments, and your heart is far too broken to pump one more ounce of blood, sometimes there only seems as if there is one choice. But if you are reading this and you have survived the darkest day(s) of your life, then I say this to you:

We are more than survivors,We are WARRIORS. Because it not been easy to pick up the pieces of our lives and place them back together. Not in the way in they once were, but into a beautiful glorious masterpiece. Yes there will be scars, there will be cracks in our crevices, but still we are beautiful. Our lives are beautiful. And i know its not easy, and I know some days you still want to give up, and you don’t yet see that beauty. But know this: You have touched my life, you have made a difference just by being in it.

We have made it this far. and that is the testament to the fight that is within us, even when we don’t think we have the strength to fight anymore. So on the days that you feel like giving up, remember how far you have come. Remember how much you are loved. Remember that someone out there can’t imagine their life without you in it.

I know that it is not easy, because I walk the same road. But never once think that you fight this alone. You don’t have to give in to the thoughts of destruction. I promise you this life, is worth fighting for. Things take time. It isn’t going to be perfect. And it wont seem better right away. But if you are willing to fight, dear warrior. I’ll stand right beside you and wage war.

 

To Close out National Suicide Prevention Week I wanted to share this piece of spoken word poetry that I absolutely love. I believe in power of words, for in the depths of my own despair someone took the time to speak HOPE and LIFE into me. A year ago I came across this spoken word poetry and I could not help but be brought to tears. I urge you to take a few minutes out of your day and just watch this video and let the words move you.

 

 

 

We have made it this far. Let us make the promise to ourselves and each other, that we will fight for our tomorrows.

 

You are deserving of HELP.

Posted by Hope Rising on September 15, 2017
Posted in: Mental Health. Tagged: , , , , , . Leave a comment

When you are experiencing the deepest emotional pain, it can sometimes feel like you are alone. Asking for help during those moments is the best thing that you can do for yourself. There is a community out there, filled with caring mental health professionals and crisis workers like myself who are ready to listen.

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If you are in Crisis or just in need of someone to help you work through a difficult time in your life, please reference these list of resources.

 

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline -1-800-273-TALK(8255)

IMALIVE  – An Online Crisis Network

Veterans Crisis Line– 1-8000-273- TALK(8255) , Press 1

Crisis Text Line– Text START to 741-741

NYC Well-  Chat Now
Text “WELL” to 65173
Call 1-888-NYC-WELL

SAMHSA Treatment Referral Hotline (Substance Abuse)
1-800-662-HELP (4357)

RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline
1-800-656-HOPE (4673)

National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline
1-866-331-9474

American Association of Suicidology

Didi Hirsch Manual for Support Groups for Suicide Attempt Survivors

The Dougy Center – The National Center for Grieving Children and Families

The Jed Foundation

Man Therapy

Mental Health America

MY 3 APP

National Action Alliance for Suicide Prevention

National Organization for People of Color Against Suicide

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Now Matters Now

Parents, Families, Friends, and Allies United with LGBTQ People (PFLAG)

Safety Planning Tools

SAVE

The Society for the Prevention of Teen Suicide

StopBullying.gov

Suicide Prevention Resource Center

Teen’s Health

The Trevor Project

The Tyler Clementi Foundation

Veterans Crisis Line

Wounded Warrior Project

If someone you care about is at risk for suicide, you can also reach out to any of these resources. If they are in immediate need escort them to mental health services, an emergency room or call 911. 

 

I Chose to Stay.

Posted by Hope Rising on September 13, 2017
Posted in: Mental Health. Leave a comment

This is National Suicide Prevention Week, and while Suicide Prevention is something that is always at the forefront of my mind as a Mental Health Counselor, this week is also significant to my own story.

There are many emotions that arise as I remember that dark time in my life. Sometimes it can feel too heavy to remember the loneliness, the brokenness and the dark cloud that consumed everything around me.

But something I have learned in these nearly three years of recovery, redemption and restoration is that while I acknowledge my past and my story, it is not all that I am. It does not set the stage for what my life is going to look like from here on out, it is a time that shaped me and I learned from it. But it belongs in the past.  I won’t hold on to those thoughts, and allow myself to slip back into darkness. I will not listen to the lies that tell me I am not any different than that person back then.

The best thing I ever did for myself, was to believe in change. To believe that things could get better, even when I really couldn’t see how. I chose to believe that the deep dark cloud of depression would one day lift, if only for a day. I chose to believe that I could embrace my body after warring with it for so long. I chose to believe that I could work and break the addiction to self harm that had become all too comforting.

Sometimes it may seem like this all happened overnight, and it was an easy process. But that is the furthest thing from the truth. I had to CHOOSE to get better, it wasn’t something that was just going to happen TO me.

I had to learn first and foremost, how to change my thinking. I had to replace the negative thoughts I had that had developed over 13 years of hating everything about myself. I had to counteract those thoughts with ones of love and acceptance. And self-love is not any easy thing. It doesn’t just happen because you say it. It takes time, and it takes a lot of work. I had to learn how to replace my coping mechanisms, mainly self harm, with other ways of dealing with stress and depression. Thoughts of self injury or even suicide didn’t just melt away instantly, but learned not to ruminate on them and instead pour myself into productive distractions.

I chose to fight for my life. I stayed and learned how to fight the lies of depression with the Truth. The truth that I am worthy. That I am deserving of love.
That I was made to love others, meet others where they are hurting, and help them find healing. That I am NOT beyond redemption. That my life serves a purpose that is bigger than myself.

My HOPE lies in my future.
In all the people, places and things that helped me to STAY.

 

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WSPD 2017: #IWASMADEFOR

Posted by Hope Rising on September 10, 2017
Posted in: Mental Health. Tagged: , , , , , , . 1 Comment

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Each year for World Suicide Prevention Day, To Write Love on Her Arms organizes a campaign centered around a theme. And each year I participate in sharing my story in relation to that theme.

This years theme: Stay. Find what you were made for.

In a year where I have experienced the highest of highs and the deepest pains. A  year where I spend days helping strangers fight the grips of addiction and my nights begging those I care for to just hold on. A year where I have finally felt as if I put my struggles far behind me, only to be thrown into circumstances that were all too familiar and far too painful to bear. A year when I stepped away from a life that was comfortable and easy and jumped feet first into the unknown. A year where I finally had my dreams come true and celebrated yet another milestone in my recovery.

This theme seems almost like kismet to me, because this has been a year that has tried and tested me, shown beauty and strength in the trials, and made me realize just what I was made for.

I  was made for dancing beneath the moonlight with sand between my toes.
for the tranquility and peace that an ocean can bring.
for standing in the rain and letting joy wash over me.
for the divine pain that comes from laughing too hard for too long with loved ones.
for the feeling of awe that covers me every time I watch the sun set.
for warm cups of coffee on silent cloudy days
for the adventures and wisdom found between the pages of a book.
for the rhythm of drums and guitars that flow through my veins.
for the words in the songs that feel as if they were written for myself alone.

I was made for the power of forgiveness and redemption.
for lifting others up and never tearing down
for sharing in the sacred joys in the lives of those I love.
for the power of a good conversation and a good meal
for midnight phone calls and the comfort in the strength of arms.

I was made for COMMUNITY.
I was made for meeting others in the midst of their labyrinth and guiding them to light.
I was made to hold the broken pieces of others lives and help them find the beauty in putting it back together.
I was made for embracing my own second chance at life and helping others do the same.

I was made for LOVING fiercely and fully.

I made for believing in HOPE.

I was made to live this life with intention, gratefully, joyfully, and courageously

Because I am a living, breathing, glorious second chance.

Because I chose to Stay. To find what I was made for.

So Please Stay. Find what YOU were made for.

For the stories still being written;

Posted by Hope Rising on May 20, 2017
Posted in: Mental Health, The Overnight. Tagged: , , . Leave a comment

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Tonight I will make a 16 mile journey called the Overnight Walk through the streets of San Diego from Sunset to Sunrise in the name of Suicide Prevention. I walk alongside countless others who carry the names and stories of loved ones they have lost to suicide.

My connection to the cause is birthed from my own struggle of depression, self harm, and suicide attempts. Tonight I walk for the ones who have felt like giving in to lies of depression. The thoughts that tell us that we are not worthy, the feelings like things will never get better, the nights that are just too difficult to get through.

Most days those thoughts are not there. But this is the reality of depression for me, those thoughts will come. And I fight like hell to push through them. Because I believe that my story is worth telling, and I believe my life is worth living even when it’s difficult. Even when everything in me hurts like hell. and I believe in fighting for the better days. Because my God are they worth it.Even though I live with depression, I live a full and amazing life. and I don’t ever want to try to throw it away ever again.

I am living a story. I will NOT give up. _TWLOHA

So tonight I walk for the brave soul facing the hard battle. For those who live with mental illness, who sometimes struggle to find the strength just to get through the day. For those who choose to walk the road of recovery as difficult as it gets sometimes. For those who struggle to find the light in the darkness. I walk for you because I have been there too. I walk to tell you that you are never alone. I walk you to tell you that there are in fact better days ahead. I walk to tell you that there is a community here who loves you and cares whether you live or die. I walk to tell you, that on the hard days you can reach out and we will come running.I walk to tell you that you NEVER have to be ashamed of your story, no matter what it looks like. We are here for you. I walk so that you do not have to walk this road alone.

I walk for all the stories daring to be written.

There is so much life ahead to be lived. and I want to join you in the fight to get there. Because it is worth it.

YOU ARE WORTH THIS LIFE.
PLEASE DON’T GIVE UP.
YOU MATTER.
YOU ARE LOVED.
YOU ARE NEEDED HERE.

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Connected with a Purpose.

Posted by Hope Rising on May 20, 2017
Posted in: Mental Health, The Overnight. Tagged: , , , , , . Leave a comment

Connection is why we’re here. We are hardwired to connect with others, its what gives purpose and meaning to our lives, an without it there is suffering.
~Brene Brown- Daring Greatly

 

When I reflect on this quote, I reflect on my life and the truth held within these words. My life has changed exponentially over the last 5 years, and much of that is because the connections I have fostered in my life. Connections birthed from a place of being vulnerable, and allowing others to walk in my pain with me, so that I could find my way through it.

Tonight I will once again join a group of people who have impacted my life. Tonight we join together to walk through the night to shine a light on suicide. To share our stories of loss and heartache in the hopes that it will help others to get help. To raise money so that programs can continue to be developed to help the hurting in their time of need.

Last night I shared dinner with an amazing group of women who are standing together bravely in the face of their losses, and have rallied together to make a difference. And though I have never met most of these women before, they welcomed me with open arms. The community fostered through the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention and the Overnight Walk, is so much more… it is a family. Sitting at that table last night, sharing laughter and tears, I truly felt the weight of that truth.

Vulnerability is the core , the heart the center of meaningful human experiences 
~ Brene Brown

This community is rooted in vulnerability, in compassion and the belief that we are stronger together. And I have seen the fruits of that in my own life. Two years ago  in Dallas, I dared to be brave and give a voice to my story in a much larger scale than I ever had before. As I stood on the stage, holding my green honor beads in my hand, my story of depression, self harm and suicide attempts was being shared through the loud speaker. It was uncomfortable, and it was nerve wracking, but it was freeing. And that moment of vulnerability allowed me to let down my guard and accept the love, compassion countless words of encouragement and hugs from the community.

And I knew, for certain, we are in this TOGETHER. and it is beautiful.

This community has pushed me out of my place of comfort and given me the strength to turn my life and my story into something that I am proud of and will also help to save lives. I am beyond grateful for the kindhearted and brave souls that make up the AFSP community.

I am proud to walk alongside these brave-hearted individuals tonight as we walk through the streets of San Diego.

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